Red Mage Conspiracy

December252012

In the spirit of today, an excerpt from HOGFATHER, by Terry Pratchett:

“The Little Match Girl”

The sleigh soared into the snowy sky.

ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THAT WENT VERY WELL, DON’T YOU?

“Yes, Master,” said Albert.

I WAS RATHER PUZZLED BY THE LITTLE BOY IN THE CHAIN MAIL, THOUGH.

“I think that was a Watchman, master.”

REALLY? WELL, HE WENT AWAY HAPPY, AND THAT’S THE MAIN THING.

“Is it, master?” There was worry in Albert’s voice. Death’s osmotic nature tended to pick up new ideas altogether too quickly. Of course, Albert understood why they had to do all this, but the master…well, sometimes the master lacked the necessary mental equipment to work out what should be true and what shouldn’t…

AND I THINK I’VE GOT THE LAUGH WORKING REALLY WELL, NOW. HO. HO. HO.

“Yeah, sir, very jolly,” said Albert. He looked down at the list. ”Still, work goes on, eh? The next one’s pretty close, master, so I should keep them down low if I was you.”

JOLLY GOOD. HO. HO. HO.

“Sarah the little match girl, doorway of Thimble’s Pipe and Tobacco Shop, Money Trap Lane, it says here.”

AND WHAT DOES SHE WANT FOR HOGSWATCH? HO. HO. HO.

“Dunno. Never sent a letter. By the way, just a tip, you don’t have to say ‘Ho, ho, ho” all the time, master. Let’s see…it says here…” Albert’s lips moved as he read.

I EXPECT A DOLL IS ALWAYS ACCEPTABLE. OR A SOFT TOY OF SOME DESCRIPTION. THE SACK SEEMS TO KNOW. WHAT’VE WE GOT FOR HER, ALBERT? HO. HO. HO.

Something small was dropped into his hand.

“This,” said Albert.

OH.

December152012

bending-sickle:

Terry Pratchett’s “The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All” (Martian Compilation) [x]

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man,
They’ll give you a pain in the worst place they can.
The result I think you’ll find will appall:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

(via whatdiscworldtaughtme)

(1,443 plays)

DISCWORLD BESTIALITY HEDGEHOG

December132012

“

They avoided one another’s faces, for fear of what they might see mirrored there. Each man thought: one of the others is bound to say something soon, some protest, and then I’ll murmur in agreement, not actually say anything, I’m not as stupid as that, but definitely murmur very firmly, so that the others will be in no doubt that I thoroughly disapprove, because at a time like this it behooves all decent men to nearly stand up and be almost heard…

But no one said anything. The cowards, each man thought.

” Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards! (via ruuger)

(via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD TERRY PRATCHETT

November12012

“There were big adventures and small adventures, Mr. Bunnsy knew. You didn’t get told what size they were going to be before you started. Sometimes you could have a big adventure even when you were standing still. - From ‘Mr. Bunnsy Has an Adventure’” Terry Pratchett, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (via blueanteater)

(via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD TERRY PRATCHETT THE AMAZING MAURICE

October202012

“The hermit elephant of Howondaland has a very thin hide, except on its head, and young ones will often move into a small mud hut while the owners are out. It is far too shy to harm anyone, but most people quit their huts pretty soon after an elephant moves in. For one thing, it lifts the hut off the ground and carries it away on its back across the veldt, settling it down over any patch of nice grass that it finds. This makes housework very unpredictable. Nevertheless, and entire village of hermit elephants moving across the plains is one of the finest sights on the continent.” Terry Pratchett - A Hat Full of Sky (via badgerless)

(via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD HERMIT ELEPHANT

September242012

waxjism:

ikenbot:

THIS IS WHAT ATHEISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE

Great A’tuin guide us all

(Source: madebyabvh, via iambicink)

DISCWORLD

September192012

“The Patrician’s stare had him pinned. It was a good stare, and one of the things it was good at was making people go on talking when they thought they had finished.” About Lord Havelock Vetinari inMoving Picturesby Terry Pratchett (via it-sounds-uncommon-nonsense)

(Source: twin-city-ankh-and-morpork, via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD HAVELOCK VETINARI

September52012

“Map-making had never been a precise art on the Discworld. People tended to start off with good intentions and then get so carried away with the spouting whales, monsters, waves and other twiddly bits of cartographic furniture that the often forgot to put the boring mountains and rivers in at all.” Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett (via itseasyjusttolookaway)

(via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD CARTOGRAPHY

August272012

“Good evening, gentlemen! Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of suppressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violence does not come easily to me. It’s not tearing your throats out that doesn’t come easily to me. Please don’t make it any harder.” Maladict, Monstrous Regiment (via pasiphile)

(via fuckyeahdiscworld)

DISCWORLD

August262012

“Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one’s shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, tightboots and naked blades.
Words like ‘full’, ‘round’ and even ‘pert’ creep into the narrative, until the writer has to go and have a cold shower and a lie down.
Which is all rather silly, because any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn’t about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialized buyer.
Oh well, all right. The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hun Ling’s Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword.
All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black.” Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic (via avferreira)

(via iambicink)

DISCWORLD THE LIGHT FANTASTIC TERRY PRATCHETT